White Ribbon Day Breakfast

May I begin by greeting everyone in the languages of the realm of New Zealand, in English, Māori, Cook Island Māori, Niuean, Tokelauan and New Zealand Sign Language.  Greetings, Kia Ora, Kia Orana, Fakalofa Lahi Atu, Taloha Ni and as it is morning [sign].

May I then specifically greet you: Rev Dr Hone Kaa, Chair of Te Kahu Mana Ririki and your Director, Anton Blank; Distinguished Guests otherwise; Ladies and Gentlemen.

Thank you for inviting me to address this White Ribbon Day Men's Breakfast here at St John's Theological College.  I would like to take an opportunity to speak of the issue of violence against women and offer some thoughts on how it might be combated.

I should say at the outset that I am not an expert in the field and amnot able to provide any magic lozenge as to the causes of domestic violence.   Like many societal ills, there are no simple answers, either in understanding causes or in proffering solutions. What I can offer for consideration are some insights from a lengthy career in the law, and as a husband, father and, with a double blessing this year, as a grandfather.

Throughout my career as a lawyer, in prosecuting and defending alleged domestic violence cases, and later as a Judge, I saw at least at second-hand, the awful ramifications of violence within the home.  I sadly saw families torn apart by domestic violence-women assaulted, sometimes even killed.  I came to know of children who, if they were not also assaulted, were traumatised by the violence they witnessed and came to fear their parents and particularly fathers.  In the vicious circle that violence creates, there were cases sadly of sons who followed in their father's footsteps.

During 25 years as a lawyer and Judge I also witnessed the beginnings of a fundamental change in the way the law and the authorities came to view domestic violence.   When I began work as a lawyer in 1970, there were fewer domestic violence cases coming before the courts.  This was not because there were fewer incidents but because, reflecting society's attitude to domestic violence, the Police were less likely to lay charges.   Neighbours were less likely to call the police, believing that matters within the home should stay in the home.  If the police were called, the wrongdoers were often merely cautioned.  The phrase-"It's just another domestic"-effectively placed violence against women into a lesser category.

Social changes of the 1960s, including the advance of feminism, saw attitudes begin to change.  In 1985, Parliament removed the defence of spousal immunity to a charge of sexual violation and tightened the conditions around consent.   In the 1990s, the Police changed their policy towards domestic violence, consistently arresting alleged offenders and prosecuting cases where there was sufficient evidence.  In 1995, my last year as a fulltime judge, Parliament passed the Domestic Violence Act.  This law established a wide definition of abuse that went beyond just physical violence to include sexual and psychological abuse.

The combination of these legal and policy changes has seen a significant increase in this kind of case coming before the courts.  The New Zealand Police, for example, report attending more than 73,000 family violence occurrences in the 2008/09 financial year where, in most cases, the primary victims are women.  That staggering figure equates to more than 200 incidents every day of the year.

Legislative change, however, is only part of the answer.  In very much the same way that those with an addiction need first to recognise that they have a problem, society also needs to recognise its own ills.  I think there would be few, for example, who would not recall the effect that screening of the movie Once Were Warriors in 1995 had on public discussion surrounding domestic violence.  

Spurred on by media advocacy, including the It's not OK campaign, there has arisen a gradual hardening of attitudes towards domestic violence.  Neighbours and friends are no longer looking away when they see abuse and are instead taking action.

Increasingly there is growing recognition of the connection between all forms of violence and abuse.    Men will not stop abusing their wives, partners, mothers and sisters until they stop abusing their children as well.   The two issues cannot be separated.  It is therefore relevant and pleasing that Te Kahui Mana Ririki, an organisation established to promote the wellbeing of Māori children, is hosting this White Ribbon Day breakfast.   As the Rev Martin Luther King Jr once famously wrote: "The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it."  For too long, domestic violence has been characterised by its victims, as if it was a women's or children's issue.  Increasingly, there is recognition that domestic violence is primarily a men's issue.

However, the most fundamental change lies at the heart of the way men relate to each other.  Men will not stop abusing women and children until they stop being violent to each other.  It is about having respect for each other as men.  It is about recognising that those who are different from themselves are just that-different.  

Thirty years ago there was a prevailing view that a "bit of biffo" was part and parcel of any contact sport between men.   Thankfully, those days have past and, today, the major codes take a stern stance against violence by players, both on and off the field.  But if you listen to the crowd when a fight breaks out, some are naturally crying foul, while others almost seem to be baying for blood. 

This suggests to me that a great deal remains to be done in the campaign against violence against women.  As a society we no longer tolerate domestic violence and are no longer prepared to turn the other way.  But the question of whether we have looked within and addressed the misconceptions about domestic violence remains.  

One only has to read blogs, letters to the editors or listen to talkback radio to hear a host of myths about domestic violence being regularly trotted out.  They include suggestions that only drunk or mentally ill men are violent or that domestic violence only occurs in certain sections of society.  Others blame women for staying in abusive relationships or provoking the violence against them.

The reality is that men who physically abuse their partners and children come from all occupations, classes, religions and ethnicities.  Some abusers are drunks, many are not.  Some abusers are mentally-ill, but many are not.  Most of all, responsibility for abuse must lie with the person who is abusing others.  As former United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan once said:  "Violence against women is perhaps the most shameful human rights violation. And it is perhaps the most pervasive. It knows no boundaries of geography, culture or wealth. As long as it continues, we cannot claim to be making real progress towards equality, development and peace."

I noted at the beginning of my speech that my wife Susan and I had become grandparents not once, but twice this year.  The arrival of grandchildren into our lives is a reminder both of the past and present.  It has been a vivid reminder of my joy at the birth of our children.  It has also reminded me of the challenges we faced as parents in raising them.

I believe that the overwhelming majority of parents have the hopes and dreams that their children will grow to be good and happy people.  Our grandchildren remind us that the world has changed. 

If there could be one thing I could change for my grandchildren, it would be that when they come to have children, it will be in an Aotearoa New Zealand where domestic violence no longer exists. 
This may seem a far-fetched aspiration.  But I believe that if men are prepared to take responsibility for their own behaviour, then we will have made an earnest step in the right direction.

On that note I would like to close in our country's first language by offering everyone greetings and wishing you good health and fortitude in your endeavours.  No reira, tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou, kia ora, kia kaha, tēnā koutou katoa.

To find out more about White Ribbon Day, click here.